10 Reasons Why I Hate X-mas
David Stray Ney, 19.12.2004 18:55
I must preface this poem (rant) by saying I DO NOT celebrate x-mas, and I spell it with an "x".
10 Reasons Why I Hate X-mas
By David Stray Ney
(I must preface this poem by saying I DO NOT celebrate x-mas, and I spell it with an “x”!)
1. People only hanging x-mas lights in December. What’s up with that? Surely they were invented for use in other months than December, right? I mean, anyone who uses psychedelic drugs knows the benefits of year round x-mas lights. And not to mention their mood lighting capabilities. Nothing says “let’s get it on” like x-mas lights. I say we change their name from “x”mas lights to “sex”mas lights.
2. Bad window paintings on almost every building depicting the same 5 dumb ass x-mas personalities like Santa Claus or Frosty the goddamn Snowman. Next x-mas, I’m getting supersoakers full of turpentine!
3. Horribly unfashionable x-mas clothing. Not only are the colors bad, but the stitching? The patches? The snowflakes? Fuck all of that shit.
4. The needless slaughter of numerous birds and pigs to feast upon like the gluttonous 1st world bastards that we are. 1 month prior, people ate millions of turkeys. How many fucking blood festivals do you carnivores need?
5. People not working. I dunno, call me a Scrooge or whatever, but why should people have time off of work for this ridiculous nonsense? I don’t get 420 off of work, so none of you should get fucking x-mas off either. Besides, with the amount of money people spend during the holiday season, another day’s pay would’nt hurt, now would it? BAH HUMBUG!
6. The fact that Christians hijacked a Pagan holiday, and then turned it into something that totally defies Christianity!
7. X-mas cards. Dear god, spending so many hours coming up with the social equivalent of a form letter, and then sending them all out at once, thus slowing down the postal service instead of spacing them out over a year, and actually directing them towards specific people! And don’t even get me started on x-mas spam!
8. X-mas movies. Jesus Christ. Put some horrible actors into a poorly written movie, and you can make millions! As far as I’m concerned, Ren and Stimpy’s “Have Yourself a Stinky Little X-mas” is the only good x-mas related film. Period.
9. X-mas music. Allright now, this is a special one for me. I fucking HATE x-mas music. FUCK X-MAS MUSIC! It’s the same damn 20 songs played incessantly in every corner of our society. People are always coming up with new versions of x-mas songs, whether it be smooth jazz, or indy rock, or soul, or fucking dogs barking, and they always think that they’re so clever, that they’ve given a new spin to the song. Wake up musicians! It’s the same fucking songs for hundreds of years! It’s practically this reason alone that I cry tears of relief on January 1st every year!
10. Family “togetherness.” Ok, ok. Yea, it’s nice for some families to get together once in a while to sit around the fireplace, eat popcorn, and reminisce about times passed, but for most it’s a fucking nightmare! Underlying family issues usually result in an x-mas morning blow up, where people cry, and nobody’s talking to each other, and tensions are already high because –
11. People have bad attitudes during the holidays because they feel obligated to spend hard earned money on gifts they can’t afford, and all the while they’re thinking “Oh man, I hope I can pay the rent and bills this month! Oh god, the rest of winter is going to be so depressing because I won’t be able to buy food because I spent all of my money on presents for family members that I’m pissed off at, and the bountiful x-mas meal where everybody sits around and does’nt speak to each other, and it’ s nothing like that Norman Rockwell painting, is not enough to satisfy my mid-January hunger pains, and oh god, why am I buying these presents in the first place?” Because –
12. Filthy holiday consumerism. Buying worthless plastic crap because of a social obligation, thus increasing the demand on thos poor, unfortunate Chinese laborers who LITERALLY slave away in prison camps so that Grandma can have her glow in the dark fake fish aquarium clock, and you can bet your ass that they don’t get an x-mas bonus! And this is so representative of our culture as a whole. Filthy pigs, masturbating with dollar bills at the expense of the rest of the world and dressing up in Santa hats and clown makeup, and coming all over our collective future.
And the thing that I hate the most about x-mas is…
13. No matter what religion you may or may not belong to, no matter whether you celebrate x-mas at all, you are still hit by a barrage of “merry x-mas”’s all day for an entire month! I mean, how fucking culturally insensitive is that? Oh wait, oh I forgot, THAT’S RIGHT, everybody in amerika IS a Christian. Ok, my bad, I apologize.
Oooo, so I guess that was a few more than 10 reasons. Woops, well I guess I really fucking hate x-mas!
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